The Basement
by fanfare49
Summary: The comic relief from other popular fiction are forced, once more, to mock and mimic bad fanfiction in...The Basement.


**Refuse To Stay **lilijames

The scene is a messy, over-cluttered basement. A large, squashy couch with a tacky floral print cover sits in the center, with a mini-fridge and a stack of videos on each side. A gumball machine—stocked full of what looks like condoms—sits apart, almost hidden by a frightening pile of back issues of EW. A shiny wide-screen TV sits in front of the couch, looking very out of place amongst the stranded bottles of Diet Coke and Absolut.

Pippin rushes in eagerly. Merry strolls in from behind him.

Pippin: Viggo?

He quickly realizes that he was deceived.

Pippin: turning to Merry, pouting You told me he's be here! And that he'd be wearing his breastplate and nothing—

Merry: clearing throat awkwardly Uh, yeah, Pip, I did. But I have something almost as good!

Pippin: Orlando's in town? glancing around excitedly

Merry: Uh, no. I've got some great new fanfiction to MST! sits on the couch, picks up the remote, and looks at Pippin expectantly

Pippin: face falls Oh. Great. sprawls on the couch with his head in Merry's lap and his legs thrown over the armrest.

Pippin: Comfy?

Merry: Um…cramped.

Pippin: Oh. Sorry. doesn't move.

Merry: sighs No problem.

Pippin: So what is it this time? Legolas and Arwen get it on? Johnny Depp is tied to Wormtongue's bed, naked and—gaining more enthusiasm as he goes on

Merry: Uh, no. mutters Thank god. It's "Refuse to Stay" by lilijames.

Pippin: sighs, closes eyes Oh. Great. Have we got any Cheetos left?

_A/N: This is a story that takes place after the fifth book. This is my 1st attempt at fan fiction. I hope it's up to your standards._

Merry: It won't be.

Pippin: How do you know?

Merry: I know.

Pippin: But how do you KNOW?

Merry: I know.

Pippin: grins, then snuggles closer, wrapping one arm around Merry's neck I love it when you get all authoritative.

Merry: delicately removes arm, tries to surreptitiously slide away

_You can r/r, you know you can, just press that little purple button, spew out a few words and that's all._

Pippin: Poor girl. Thinks people don't write reviews for her stories because they don't know how.

Merry: In her case, I think "ignorance is bliss" ought to be a personal motto.

Pippin: Bliss. Heh. You're so dirty.

_I promise. _

Pippin: Pinky-swear?

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the characters. The lovely Jo Rowling does. Hmm, I do wish I owned that gorgy boy, Daniel Radcliffe though. ; )_

Pippin: Poor Daniel Radcliff.

Merry: Seriously. Having a girl like this even mention your name in passing must be like a slap in the face.

Pippin: Huh? Oh, I meant because he's "gorgy."

Merry: Pip…do you know what that means?

Pippin: Don't be silly. Of course I do. My uncle had gorgy. It took years and years of foot powders and treatments to take away the stink.

Merry: Pip, just…don't.

Pippin: What?

_Chapter One: Memories_

_Hermoine's _

Merry: Why do I think that's misspelled?

Pippin: It is.

Merry: A misspelling in the first word? This does not bode well.

_face fell. _

_The muggle object reflected the truth for them, _

Pippin: Who?

Merry: Muggles, I think.

Pippin: Then why didn't she say so? Why does she have to be so vague, anyway? "Muggle object" "them"—what is she holding in her hands, anyway? brightens Is this an NC-17 fic?

Merry: Pippin…no. Just…no.

_but her case might have been different. She closed her eyes and hoped against hope that it was wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt. _

Merry: She's hoping against hope that it's beyond a shadow of a doubt? What, does she get a five dollar kickback every time she uses a cliché?

_She opened them again and stared at the object, waiting for it to change. It stayed the same._

Merry: That's rare, huh? Things actually staying the same for two seconds? What, was she expecting **magic** or something? chuckles

Pippin: Uh, Merry….haven't read the books, huh?

Merry: Nope. Does it show?

Pippin: Just a little.

_How could this object, the stupid thing, tell her what she could not possibly know herself? _

Merry: Don't quite follow.

Pippin: Try picturing her holding a dildo.

Merry: Does it make sense then?

Pippin: Nope, but it makes everything a whole lot funnier.

_She picked it up and hurled it at the wall she was sitting opposite from._

Pippin: sniggers

Merry: Still picturing the dildo, huh?

Pippin: Yep.

Merry: Good for you. I'm still stuck wondering where all this is taking place. Her kitchen? The mall? A porn shop?

Pippin: lifts himself up from Merry's lap, glances around the room Porn? Where?

Merry: facepalm

_She felt a sob rising in her throat. She choked it down and a single tear threatened to roll down her cheek. This whole situation was beyond belief, absurd on so many different levels. _

Merry: See! Even the author agrees with me!

Pippin: Riiight.

_She thought over to when this first started, over one year ago._

_Flashback: Hermoine _

Pippin: Hermione. Her-my-oh-nee. Honestly, it's not like it's not in the book or anything!

_and Harry and Ron were all caught up in fighting Lord Voldemort. The whole wizarding world was, in fact. He had returned, as Professor Trelawny had predicted, greater and more powerful than ever._

Merry: Okay, need a quick check on book plot.

Pippin: Shoot.

Merry: Hermoine.

Pippin: Misspelled.

Merry: Harry?

Pippin: Gay.

Merry: Voldemort?

Pippin: Seriously needs to get laid.

Merry: Trelawny?

Pippin: Crazy-ass motherfucker. Think…Sam. Sam as a psychic professor that drinks too much tea.

Merry: I really have to read these books.

Pippin: Naw. They're not all that great. I just like the action figures.

_He had started gathering supporters immediately, and by the end of the trio's _

Merry: What trio? Batty psychic, horny Voldy-man, and Hermoine?

Pippin: Dude, now you're just **helping **the fanfiction writers. And it's Hermione. **Hermione.**

_fifth year at Hogwarts he was nearly unstoppable. The ministry had finally come 'round to the idea that he was actually back and Fudge issued a statement saying that the ministry would do everything in its power to stop Voldemort. _

Merry: Okay, this sounds eerily familiar…

_Unfortunately that included having to fight a war against the powerful army the Dark Lord had created._

Merry: Okay, is it just me, or is this plot sounding identical to…

Pippin: It's just you.

Merry: ignoring him Almost like there was another series of books with a plot that's almost identical…

_All of the available male wizards seventeen years old and up had been summoned to fight in the aptly named: Dumbledore's Army. As soon as they were old enough Ron and Harry signed themselves up._

Merry: Okay, young boys coming of age in a world of magic and mayhem, following a white-bearded wizard that's fighting an evil overlord…. Pip, is this ringing **any **bells?

Pippin: No idea what you're talking about, dude. No idea at all.

_Hermoine remained wary. _

Pippin: Wary like a wolf! Grr! growls and paws at the air

Merry: muttering white-bearded wizard, prophecies, coming-of-age, young raven-haired heroes…

Pippin: 'Kay, now I'm just feeling unloved. pouts, hoping Merry will notice. He doesn't. Pouts some more.

_She said that Ron and Harry should remain at Hogwarts and finish their studies, so they would be of more use to the DA. _

_Ron and Harry had looked dumbstruck at this idea, but then Harry had strangely agreed with her. _

Merry: Strangely. Heh. You can tell that Hermoine isn't used to the whole people-supporting-her thing.

Pippin: Yay! You're interacting with me again! slaps Merry across the face

Merry: Ow! What was that for?

Pippin: Her-my-oh-nee, dude! HERMIONE! It's four fucking syllables. Why is everyone having so much trouble with it?

_Hermoine _

Pippin: FOUR FUCKING SYLLABLES!

Merry: Pip. Chill.

_thought that that was odd. She was sure that he would fight her tooth and nail on this matter._

Merry: Tooth and nail?

Pippin: Ooo, kinky.

Merry: No, what I'm wondering is what does she think he is, a dog?

_She found out later why he had not fought her on this issue. _

_The ministry had issued a ruling that stated that the soldiers were not allowed to fight until they had finished their schooling, and at least one year of work. The ministry decided that the students of Hogwarts were safer at least for another year of fighting, which they hoped would give them time to secure a victory without having to kill off a whole generation of people, like they did in the Muggle World War II. _

Merry: No, they just wanted to kill one person…who can't seem to spell her own name.

Pippin: Muggle World War II. Heh. Clever.

Merry: PIPPIN!

Pippin: What? I can't show some appreciation?

Merry: We're MiSTing it, Pip, we're MiSTing it! We're supposed to be mean!

Pippin: But I'm not mean! I'm sweet, and single, and small, and lovable, and single, and my feet aren't THAT hairy, and did I mention: I'm single!

Merry: Blatant much?

Pippin: I'm desperate, dude.

Merry: Don't worry. It doesn't show.

_Ron loudly protested this quite often, stating logically that the ministry needed as many volunteers as possible. He and Hermoine got into more arguments over this than people cared to remember. One day they were in the middle of a heated argument, (You're wrong, Ron!" "No I'm not, you are 'Moine!") _

Merry: How old are they, twelve? Talk about immature.

Pippin: Ooo—look, Merry, I can make a four-leaf-clover with my tongue!

Merry: Awesome! gives Pippin a high-five

_when Harry and the rest who were sick of their arguments, pushed them out of the common room and into the hallway. _

Merry: Did I mention that I like the gay one?

"_You're not allowed inside until you two can make up you're differences!" He shouted at them. _

Pippin: "You're differences?" Contraction for "you **are** differences?"

Merry: Forget I said I liked him.

Pippin: Good boy.

_They both gave him dumbstruck looks._

Merry: Leave off the "struck" and you'd be right.

Pippin: Struck. Heh.

Merry: Okay, how is **that** a sexual innuendo?

Pippin: It's not. I just wanted you to say sexual. Heh. Sexual.

"_This is all your fault, Ron!" She said, looking as if she were about to eat him._

Pippin: Heh. Eat—

Merry: No. That was too easy. We do not bend down to the story's level.

Pippin: Heh. Bend.

Merry: sighs, leans back, closes eyes I give up.

"_No, it's your fault Hermoine!" He spat at her._

"_Honestly, Ronald!" Hermoine growled back at Ron. Then they did something completely out of character. _

Pippin: This whole story's out of character! Honestly, if you can't spell someone's name correctly, the least you can do is—

Merry: Shh. I want to see what's going to happen.

Pippin: Oh, come on, it's going to be something idiotic, like he'll cast a charm that will make Flitwick into a sex maniac or she'll fight Lord Voldemort topless or—

_Hermoine leaned in and crushed her lips against his with incredible force and passion behind it. _

Pippin: Huh. I was close.

Merry: Except…not.

_She turned around and left quickly down the hallway without another word. Ron just stared after her._

Merry: (as Ron) First I brush my teeth and take a shower—and then I put on a full body condom and run for my life.

_What do you think about this first chapter? What do y'all think that Hermoine is worried about? And why did she just kiss Ron? If you want to find out please _


End file.
